Lauren’s story “Winter Chill” tells the story of a man who is annoyed by his job and his wife. He works as a funeral home curator and embalms the bodies that come into the home. His funeral home is the only one in the area and it is currently winter which means business is booming. I thought that the man being mauled by a mountain lion and it seeming so normal was a little much. Even in the snowy hills of the mountains it is not an every day occurrence that someone dies by means of mountain lion. Just a minor detail, I digress.
The story picks up heat when Mr. Smart reads a text on Mrs. Smart’s phone that leads him to believe she is cheating. I believe that this is a reasonable assumption for Mr. Smart to make if there has been a past that has led him to believe this. The story explains how she flirts with the local men at times but actually taking the flirting past the front yard and on to a secret life kept from her husband is a huge leap. I would like to see more tension and build up of Mr. Smart’s distrust of his wife.
I think the best part of the story is when Mrs. Smart gets the phone call in the end. We as readers have been expecting this to happen the whole time and I think you handled the situation well. However, this feels like the climax of your story. If the climax is Mr. Smart finding that text message then make it a more powerful scene with more anticipation and build to that moment. The moment I anticipated from the very beginning was the moment he got in an accident driving the hearse on the icy roads. I don’t think the story can end with that phone call, if it does the opportunity for either of the characters to change or grow is monumentally truncated and I believe it takes away from the purpose of your story and makes it read like a typical thriller with a cliff hanger tale. I think your setting is great, the story has so much potential and I look forward to seeing what it will become!
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