Response to "Over the Counter" by Kody Blackwell

Kody’s story “Over the Counter” is about a man in desperate need to provide for his family monetarily. The protagonist is a pharmacist but the money he is making to provide for his family is not sufficient so after an encounter at the bar with a sketchy friend who advises him to start selling drugs because he is, “gettin paid a peasant's wage to guard the king's gold.” (One of my favorite lines by the way, I can just hear a drunken kinda sleazy drug dealer like guy believing this to be the best way to convince someone). The story ends with the Protagonist (who I don’t believe has a name? Why doesn’t he?) caving into sleazy Tim’s advice and stealing from the pharmacy to sell the drugs on the street. The character changes because he gives into what he knows to be wrong. It is always disappointing when we see a character defiled and this way, but it definitely proves a strong point about the harsh reality of the world.

One way I would like to see the story strengthened is elaboration on what happens because the protagonist makes this choice. I don’t know if I necessarily want him to get caught and get in trouble, but I do want to see what happens to him because he made the decision to steal and sell drugs to make a living instead of selling. I also think the interaction with the pastor could be elaborated on. Their conversation was good but if he has been a member of that church for a while then why the pastor should be able to see that he is struggling and should definitely offer his advice. It would be an interesting idea to see the pastor catch him in the act or maybe get caught buying drugs?

I really enjoyed readying your story. The imagery and descriptions (especially of the church) were concrete and real, you did a great job there. I would like more description of the pharmacy beside the rows of bottles. The detail about the women with the stained shirts was wonderful. I love your mastery of image would love to see it throughout the entire story. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

Response to "Winter Chill" by Lauren Barkley

Lauren’s story “Winter Chill” tells the story of a man who is annoyed by his job and his wife. He works as a funeral home curator and embalms the bodies that come into the home. His funeral home is the only one in the area and it is currently winter which means business is booming. I thought that the man being mauled by a mountain lion and it seeming so normal was a little much. Even in the snowy hills of the mountains it is not an every day occurrence that someone dies by means of mountain lion. Just a minor detail, I digress.

The story picks up heat when Mr. Smart reads a text on Mrs. Smart’s phone that leads him to believe she is cheating. I believe that this is a reasonable assumption for Mr. Smart to make if there has been a past that has led him to believe this. The story explains how she flirts with the local men at times but actually taking the flirting past the front yard and on to a secret life kept from her husband is a huge leap. I would like to see more tension and build up of Mr. Smart’s distrust of his wife.

I think the best part of the story is when Mrs. Smart gets the phone call in the end. We as readers have been expecting this to happen the whole time and I think you handled the situation well. However, this feels like the climax of your story. If the climax is Mr. Smart finding that text message then make it a more powerful scene with more anticipation and build to that moment. The moment I anticipated from the very beginning was the moment he got in an accident driving the hearse on the icy roads. I don’t think the story can end with that phone call, if it does the opportunity for either of the characters to change or grow is monumentally truncated and I believe it takes away from the purpose of your story and makes it read like a typical thriller with a cliff hanger tale. I think your setting is great, the story has so much potential and I look forward to seeing what it will become!

Response to "Holes full of dirt" by Ethan Hightower

This story is a classic tale of younger boy falling for the older girl and going to extremes to impress her, which end up getting him in trouble. To be more specific the story tells the tale of a fifteen-year-old boy (Jeremy) who gets taken home from school by Ashlyn who is seventeen and when she comments on how dangerous his dirt road has become he decides to fix it in an attempt to impress and woo her. While he is working he thinks that she will be impressed by his maturity and work ethic. Because he is not actually mature and is not doing it to develop a work ethic he ends up getting into trouble when his Dad’s truck gets stuck in the mud on the ditch. Jeremy’s dad, like most parents, can realize that he is extremely distraught by the entire situation and only offers words of encouragement instead of anger.

I thought this was a very believable parental action, but to make it 100% believable I think the Dad needs to show more interest on why his son took the sudden incentive to take on the task of fixing the entire road. This is not exactly normal for a fifteen-year-old boy unless there is an ulterior motive and I would like to see the Dad know this and take interest and maybe dispense some fatherly advice on his puppy love-sick son.

I would work on the conversation between Jeremy and his friend Denver because their language and even the entire motive of their conversation seems a little deep for fifteen year olds. Yes, I do believe Denver can call him out on doing the work and going to the baseball game because he knows that Ashlyn will be there, but having him accuse Jeremy of doing it for wanting a work ethic and having Jeremy claiming to be doing it because of a desire to grow his work ethic both seem a tad austere for boys that are fifteen. When I was a fifteen year old I didn’t talk like that and I don’t think any other fifteen year old boys did either. If you work on making their conversation more believable I believe it will help your story. I also do not fully see how Jeremy has changed over the course of the story so maybe work on solidifying that as well. I enjoyed reading your work and look forward to discussing it in depth tomorrow!

Response to "The last bit of home-made sugar" by Nate

Nate’s story “The last bit of home-made sugar” is a very captivating and heart-breaking tale. The story is portrayed from the point of view of a boy, maybe in his teens, and his experiences on his family’s little ridge top community. You can feel the whispers of Appalachian trails and stories throughout the tale and I absolutely love that, those mountains have made me who I am and I think Nate captures a part of their character very well through the story of the family who lives on the ridge. I know this is a Fiction writing class, but I can’t help but feel as if this story is semi-autobiographical. I can’t exactly place why I believe this, but something in the language convinces me so. The story follows the day of the protagonist as he walks through the woods on his families land and reminisces on the family’s old days. The boy visits his grandfather and in his cabin and then goes to dinner, at the dinner he is thinking about how all his family is aging and how they all complain. I love how without saying it directly you can feel the apprehension of the main character as he feels as if he is just waiting for the first family member to die. Not in a sadistic kind of way but rather a foreboding feeling of apprehension. Then the phone rings and they find out that, “Jonsey just had a heart attack.” This is the climax of the story and I believe the part where the protagonist is thrown from being a child to an adult. It is a strange and painful transition but when he has to break in a window, do CPR, and then ends up getting left in the dark as the truck carrying his first dying relative speeds up the icy drive and out of his sight.

The imagery is beautiful as is the setting, but I would like to see a bigger build up of apprehension about his aging relatives. Maybe the dead animal he sees on his hike could really start him thinking about it and make him scared? I think the story has an Appalachian charm to it, but I would like more conflict and buildup to the climax. Great work Nate! Your writing always makes me miss home and the beautiful mountain trails that I grew up on. Lets go on a hike soon!

Response to "Off" by Aimee Bender

Aimee Bender’s short story “Off” was a fun read. From the very beginning you enter the mind of a character with a goal: to kiss three flavors of men, blonde, redhead, and black hair. Never for a second is this strange goal even questioned, rather it is accepted and thus the story begins.

I thought it was interesting how we learned about the main character. I still can’t decide if I dislike her a see her as a godless woman or rather pity her and see her as no more than a woman desperate for connection and attention. But I know she is one of the two from her goal and the way she justifies actions such as drunkenly stealing all the coats in an attempt to seem cute and drunk to entice her third man, the black haired fellow.

The story itself was not exactly enticing or dramatic, rather it was the drunken inner thoughts of a girl at a party. Almost too typical to be interesting, but this girl is so messed up I couldn’t stop reading. She is so desperate to meet her goal that she schemes ways to make herself attractive for the different guys she seduces. Its captivating. I couldn’t help but read on to try and see what crazy antic she would try and pull next.

My only and biggest critique for this story is the fact that it doesn't really captivate me. I read on because I was assigned the story and because I was mildly interest in what the character was going to do next, but the plot never peaked for me and I felt like I was just being dragged along on some drunken desperate party girls journey the entire story. That's not how I want my setories to read. There was not enough tension or action for me.

What I want to be able to pull from this story into my own writing is Bender’s ability to make a character instantly seem real and instantly have a connection with the reader. I may not respect or value the character but I do not doubt her motives.

Response to "Love of My Life" by T.C. Boyle

T. C. Boyle’s “Love of My Life” is not at all what I was expecting to read when I first read the title. The title disgusted me when I first saw it because I was expected a sloppy soppy love story about star-crossed teens finding true love. I guess in a way I was right but in more ways I believe I was wrong. The piece was captivating but there are two parts that I can’t get out of my head. The first was the graphic threat that China made to crawl into the woods and bleed to death instead of going to a hospital. That was brilliant. It equated her to an animal and made her fear absolutely animalistic. Boyle’s is genius. The second scene I could not get out of my mind was when Jeremy threw the baby into the dumpster. It was so abrupt and startling and I absolutely did not see it coming. When he describes the noise the baby made as it hit the dumpster my stomach turned. I personally have not heard such a noise and I’m pretty sure most readers of the story are in the same boat as me, however I have thrown trash into dumpsters and heard the noise it makes many a times. I think that’s why it was so powerful. Boyle took something relatable and turned it into something morose and powerful. I also think this story is relevant because of the age of the characters, being close to our age. Boyle’s story was wonderful to read.

Response to "New Coach" by Lauren Sides

This story is about Kaylee coming to terms with the fact that her cheerleading coach Alex is a crazy control freak who doesn’t actually care about the individuals on the team more than he does winning. Because of this Kaylee injures herself in practice one day (tears her ACL). But because she wants to remain a part of the team so badly she experiments with bulimia and abuses her body to stay in shape for Alex until he pushes her to throw a tumbling pass that she knows would hurt her again. She decides in the end not to throw the pass even though it means giving up all she has worked towards for many years and a possible future as a FSU cheerleader.

I liked how the dialogue was natural. Alex is a complete lunatic and we clearly understand that through his demanding speeches and verbal abuse of the cheerleaders. The story captures really well how much the girls made cheering into an idol because they made Alex’s acceptance into an idol. This is something that all athletes are tempted to do, you want your coaches approval. It’s something we all do, we all want approval and have to come to the point where we realize there is more than pleasing people in this life. I liked the structure of the story as well. How it began in the middle then backtracked and then caught back up and led you to the end was very entertaining. It kept it from becoming boring.

I would have liked to have seen more poetic language. The story is definite but there is such opportunity to express the pain of the injury, the fury at Alex, the fear of the parents, the desperation of bulimia, and the loss of a dream in a more poetic way. More figurative language please! I would also like more of a setting. We know the girl is in high school but tell us more about her as an individual. I also felt like I have heard this sports injury story before, maybe add an unexpected twist to aid your building of tension? I enjoyed reading your work and look forward to more!